The actress Judy Tenuta once posed the morbid question: “Have you ever dated someone because you were too lazy to commit suicide?” Well, hopefully the idea of dating someone is not that gut-wrenchingly terrible, but oft times the whole charade of dating can be depressing and just plain nauseating. In the meantime, or until we find our sparkling counterpoint in life, hopefully we can find some hilarity in our string of lesser paramours.
Here are a few reasons we should consider celibacy or perhaps polygamy:
1. When I was 16 years old, new to dating and enthralled with driving a motor vehicle I found myself in the beginning of a youthful courtship. We went out a few times, and had just experienced our first semi-public kiss together. One special night I was taking her home for the night when tragedy struck. I was driving down a dirt road to her isolated house in the country, so far all was well. We stopped a few feet in front of her porch where conversation ensued and shortly thereafter a kiss that was French in its nature. My pubescent enthusiasm overshadowed my ability to remember one key thing: Put your car in park if you are going to start kissing. Because you will inevitably let your foot off the brake, and not notice the slow rolling of the car. And then you will surely run into the porch with your beautiful 93’ Camry. Well, in accordance with Murphy’s Law, the crash awakened my date’s grandparents who rushed out in their nightwear to see what the problem was. Grandma was distraught and confused, but grandpa was savvy. He took me aside and said, “I’m sure you were just caught in my granddaughter’s eyes.” He wasn’t too far off. Needless to say, my 15 year old sweetheart was mortified and never really recovered from that incident. But it taught me a priceless lesson on brake management.
2. A few years ago I got a girls number in the most classy way you could imagine, at Wal-Mart. If this was a warning sign, I certainly ignored it. She was cool, artsy and from the East coast. I asked her out and she accepted with no small amount of pep. She suggested we go to this café on improv night. Not exactly my cup of chamomile but I was happy to go. As we arrived and sat down, I noticed that she knew the people we were sitting next to. This is very common in a college town, so I thought nothing of it. Within a few minutes I looked over and she was holding hands with the bloke to her left. I am no expert on dating etiquette, but this seemed like a major faux pas. So I decided at the first convenience I would suggest we leave. But she beat me to it. After the first intermission she notified me that she would not need a ride home. Goody. Now I could save 8 cents on gas. That was the last time I picked up a girl in the school supplies section.
3. A little over a year ago I got my waitresses’ number at a Chinese restaurant. She was simple and cute, I liked it. A few days later she came over to my apartment to hang out. We just watched a movie and talked for a while. It got to be pretty late, when without any sort of vacillation of thought she asked if she could light a cigarette. The fact that she was a smoker was well disguised by the perfume and copious amounts of gum she chomped on. But her mask of good hygiene and innocence was immediately removed when she demanded a smoking break. I assured her that I would not permit such an invidious practice in my apartment, so she said, “fine I will just go smoke on the porch.” Classy move. Our relationship blossomed and died all on that smoky night.
Now for a few phenomenal excuses for not going on a date
1. One time I had a date with a girl scheduled for 7:00 p.m. I called her at about 6:45 to see where I should pick her up. She answered the phone and said, “Well I’m at the gym.” I am no stickler for punctuality so I said, “ok, wanna just call me when you get home?” She said, “Well I just got here.” Sometimes personal fitness is really all that matters.
2. “I just don’t feel like going out.” I doubt she would have said that to Brad Pitt.
3. I once asked out a girl, was on my way to pick her up when I receive a text that said, “I decided I don’t want to go out tonight.”
Top things you do not say while kissing someone:
1. I have pneumonia
2. I am engaged (I wish these were different girls)
3. Do you even like me?
4. I am going to go brush my teeth