Wednesday, March 20, 2013

The Dating Anecdotes Vol. 1

In the last 4 and half years I have been on more dates than I like to recall. I have probably spent in excess of 20,000 dollars on courting. So far I have received nothing but experience and some priceless memories. I plan to eventually write a book that further describes in detail the foibles and misadventures that have become my dating life (the first page is written!). Until that glorious day, I think it will be amusing to post a few anecdotes to lighten everyone's mood concerning the quest to find an eternal mate. Yes it is frustrating searching for that elusive "one", but so much can be learned in the process, despite our calloused attitudes towards taking girls out (or being taken out). Memories are to be had, and in my case, they are to be documented. Enjoy.

1. I once took out a girl (that shall remain nameless) who upon entering my car started with the following phrase, "Hey, you changed your hair..." I said, "No....." She retorted with, "But you were blonde." Nope I have had dark brown hair since I was 4 years old. She must have been confused since I got her number like 3 days prior to our rendezvous. Well that was strike one. Unfortunately she struck out with 2 strikes. On the way to the movie theatre we were deep into the platitudes of get-to-know-you chat. She inquired concerning my field of study, I said in plain English, "I'm a history major." My west coast diction must be hard to understand, because she replied with the curt comment: "Hmmm never heard of that." Strike two, you are out. Luckily I really wanted to see Fast and Furious 5.

2. I dated a girl for a few weeks that blew my mind. She was gorgeous in every capacity. Her beauty was the kind that made men and women alike give a double take when she walked by. This majestic attractiveness she was blessed with helped me greatly with my own ability to disregard and completely ignore the crazy that was very much a part of her. Was it the fact that she farted on our first date? No, I looked past that. Was it that she had a cackle that would scare most children? No, I convinced myself that was endearing. Was it just too many odd eccentricities? Nope. It was her ridiculous obsession with zodiac signs. She was convinced that the apparent position of the sun had an unyielding effect on one's personality. The mere fact that I was a Gemini somehow added to her already loquacious nature. She could not get over it. I in no way was being judged as a person or a man, but as the typecast Gemini that I was. I always thought this pseudoscience of horoscopes and zodiac signs was hogwash, but after this little adventure I am completely convinced it is malarkey. Ultimately she decided our signs were not compatible and that is why she had to move on. Lucky me.

3. I went out a few times with a lovely girl I met in the halls of my University. We kissed a few times, had some lovely confabulations, and then one night it got weird. She invited me over to her parents home, which was mildly disconcerting considering we had hung out only three times before. But, I can handle parents, so I accepted. Meeting the parents was routine, if not superfluous. We then ventured into the basement for a talk. This is where she proceeded to tell me that she really did not enjoy kissing. And that it wasn't me, she just didn't like the activity in general. For whatever reason I was more offended than if she had said, "I hate America." So that was that. I feigned interest in her dislike for smooching, gave her a hug and hustled home.

4. This story is about a girl I would eventually develop deep feelings for. But the first night we met each other was an amusing one worthy of trivializing. We were actually set up on a blind date. She was very attractive though, and our meal at Cafe Rio seemed to be going very well. Somehow conversation made its way towards film. She mentioned that she had never seen Shindler's List, but always wanted to. I somewhat jokingly said, ya let's rent it then (RIP Blockbuster). So we returned to her flat to watch this 3 and half hour movie on our first date. The sexual tension was apparent, and all signs pointed to the fact that we were going to engage in a kiss, but for some reason it just seemed taboo to kiss during an epic movie about the Holocaust. So out of some putative respect for the Jews or Stephen Spielberg we waited. Then we mated. Jk. After the credits finally rolled, push led to shove and kissing ensued. The rest of the story with this lass would require many more pages, maybe even a nice screenplay.

5. Caveat: I at times have been cavalier in my relations with women. I apologize. But with that being said, this next anecdote should explain why men can be the way they are. One night years ago when I was just an enthusiastic 21 year old I had a crazy night that went as follows: Me and a bunch of my guy friends met some girls at the hot tub (classy), took them back to our apartment, watched a movie then some of the girls left. My lady of the night invited me back to her place for another movie. It was 4:00 a.m. at this point. So I think we know what was coming. I entered her boudoir and we started kissing. About 10 minutes later she stopped, turned to me and said, "So what are we?" This girl demanded a DTR after what could only be described as a good ole fashioned freak fest. Please excuse me for sounding like a rakehell, but I was only 21, and I very well may have not headed for the hills if this nymph did not require a relationship review after knowing each other mere hours.